


Rubatosis

by dreaminginside



Category: VIXX
Genre: Fluff, Introspection, M/M, Sweet gushy extra wordy feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-17
Updated: 2013-06-17
Packaged: 2017-12-15 08:06:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/847236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreaminginside/pseuds/dreaminginside
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hongbin struggles with the beat of his own heart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rubatosis

_rubatosis  
n. the unsettling awareness of your own heartbeat, whose tenuous muscular throbbing feels less like a metronome than a nervous ditty your heart is tapping to itself, the kind that people compulsively hum or sing while walking in complete darkness, as if to casually remind the outside world, I’m here, I’m here, I’m here._

Hongbin struggles with the beat of his own heart.

It pounds a beat under his ribs that he can’t understand, can’t channel into the outside world no matter how hard he tries. He wants to spit that irregular beat out of his mouth, wrench it out of his chest and force it into words with a rhythm. He wants to tell everyone that says he cannot succeed that they are wrong, and if it means he must lay his heart bare before them then he will.

His heartbeat is all that accompanies him when dawn breaks and he’s still cloistered away in a small room practicing his vocals. He pounds his dreams through his veins and forces them to make music, to form the words in his soul because he has worked so hard for this and refuses to stop. 

He hums a melody of broken beats after he’s rested brief enough to be a blink and watches their makeshift group form a sort of chemistry, a routine of endless practice and bonds forged through shared exhaustion and expectation. He watches as Jaehwan grin and says something that only he really understands, and can’t help but smile back.

Hongbin envies Jaehwan.

He can see Jaehwan’s heart clearly when he talks, when he smiles even though it’s late and he’s tired, and when he sings, especially when he sings. Hongbin tends to forget the strength of Jaehwan’s voice now and then, and never ceases to be blown away by its beauty. Sometimes he sits outside of the room Jaehwan has holed himself up in and just _listens_ , and wonders when his heart will sort itself out enough to let him reach at least half of what Jaehwan is. 

Sometimes Jaehwan finds him like this, head lolled back against the wall to where he’s nearly asleep but can still see Jaehwan looking down at him with bright eyes. Jaehwan often will slide down the wall next to him, as he does this particular night, and in the silence of the night it feels right. Hongbin’s heart slows down to a manageable level when he forces his eyes open, mumbling a question to Jaehwan of _how do you do it_ , lolling his head to face Jaehwan.

Jaehwan only smiles and Hongbin is convinced that he really knows everything, the he really just plays them with these façades all day long and simply links their pinkies together. _I don’t know_ he answers, _you have to find out on your own_. Hongbin sighs, wishing he could simply reach into Jaehwan’s chest and study his heart, study how he does all the things that make him.

_(Secretly, Hongbin thinks that he’s the most amazing person he’s ever met)_

They stumble their way back to the dorm like that, sleepy eyes and linked pinkies covered by the ends of their sleeves. There’s a puff of breath that materializes in front of Hongbin and he can’t help but laugh at the impossibility of all this, chasing a dream that seems all but unreachable sometimes. He’s doubled over with laughter when Jaehwan pulls him up to drag him resolutely down the quiet street, the sky still painted dark. 

Hongbin can still see Jaehwan’s smile glinting though, and disconnects their pinkies to grab Jaehwan’s face on an impulse. His heart speeds to previously unknown levels, but they feel right, and he brings their lips together impulsively, cold hands warmed by Jaehwan’s cheeks, relief rushing through him when Jaehwan’s hands reach up to cover his own, leaning in closer. Their breath mingles together to heat the cold air and Jaehwan tugs on Hongbin’s hair with a quiet laugh. He leans their foreheads together for a moment before pulling Hongbin back along, this time fingers curled around Hongbin’s wrist, as if Jaehwan is afraid he’ll disappear in the receding night.

The dorm is quiet when they crash through the door, the sun just beginning to light its way through their window. Hongbin briefly sees silhouettes of their sleeping friends scattered through doorways, holding on to every last bit of rest before the alarm rings and the their day’s process starts over again. 

Hongbin barely makes it to his makeshift bed, nearly stepping on Wonsik’s face in the process. Jaehwan snickers and Hongbin thinks that he doesn’t have the wits to deal with this right now, shushing the sound of his heart in his ears and just tripping Jaehwan on the ground next to him, mind lost to his dreams the moment he hits his blanket.

Jaehwan wakes him not three hours later, tugging on his hair as Hongbin returns to consciousness, Sanghyuk stumbling loudly through their room looking for his uniform. Hongbin doesn’t pay attention to his heart as Jaehwan looks at him with eyes still narrowed with sleep and asks as if he already knows, _have you found your answer_?.

Hongbin snorts and pushes Jaehwan back, sitting up and throwing Sanghyuk’s uniform to him, the daily chaos of their lives just beginning. His hand lingers on Jaehwan’s as he helps him up and he can’t help but smile, shaking his hair into his eyes to hide the matching happiness there.

That day, he lays his beating heart out on the table, and he sings.

**Author's Note:**

> My first foray into Vixx writing. :) Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed!


End file.
